I had a crush on a girl for most of a year at my new job and I guess I'm finally over it - I've mentioned her here a few times, maybe in the one that got erased, but it all amounts to some lessons I've learned and is also the result of getting into this kind of fairy magic, particularly the Sexxx Dreams spell I've been in the middle of for 2 years and the Shirley Fairies spell I've been in for at least seven months.
I'm ready to finish the Shirley Fairies spell, now - I found a cord to another DS a few days ago and knew I would be writing this soon, had some insight into the nature of relationships at work, found the cord to the DS that already has the book game in it and charged it up just last night - and had more insight into those relationships this morning.
The main insight I had about the whole affair is the way this magic, the fairies in Shirley, relate to my "love life" - over the last year or so - and world affairs. When I thought back on it today I remembered my overall impression of Charlotte Bronte's "Shirley": I love the fairies but it's not romantic, to me - I think I said it was like 19th century "50 Shades of Grey".
This is the best way to sum up my impression of Shirley, why it isn't romantic for all it's airs: In certain circumstances it can seem like someone is a perfect, really good, magical, mystical, or romantic partner - but in different circumstances you're not really a good match, after all, it's more the result of the circumstance, or some mystery between people, or the fact that everyone really COULD be in love - but won't - and we still only allow "certain" people to access that part of us with us and those restrictions keep too much love from slipping around and ruining the status quo.
I'm just not really happy for Shirley - she could do better if she insists on believing in settling down - but she got some good fairies out of it along the way.
Worldwide, for example, Trump - or many other leaders - might not really be a good Match for America, or wherever - it may have seemed like that due to circumstances, and living with him might have highlighted some aspects of those circumstances -and we can evolve and outgrow him.
And we won't "need" him any more like we thought we did, the way we were. I wish Shirley could have gone somewhere else and met someone else, someone amazing, instead of obsessing over this same boring, smuggish person. Or even found a different side of someone else -and then I'm like "you need to get out more" the KIA commercial just said - then I'm like "Maybe you do need to go - or at least go leasbian with Caroline" that seemed to be the most obvious, intimate, loving path. And if she really wants a guy just someone new. Maybe someone in a different "class."
"People who take you too seriously are trying to con you, including yourself," is a catchphrase I came up with recently, after "I'm one of those people it takes conscious effort to get along with."
And of course they take themselves too seriously, for all their free time to explore romantic love they have to maintain the status quo and social divisions - it's all the same thing, I've never been a fan, I wish people weren't so exclusive and could just be in love with each other, more and more.
I'm impressed by what I heard of those Unicorns in England who are going to save the world with Free Love, that's my kind of revolution and instead of wanting to be with people who seem like they could be like that I can try to be more like that myself and meet the people who are already liberating themselves and others - and there's always going back but I've been looking for that Colorful Oz - then looking for Home - and not stopping to appreciate where I am, at the time.
Which is both, right? I did really well quitting smoking cigarrettes, not spelling it - cigarettes - and smoked one today after drinking this morning and smoking a butt - but other than that I haven't smoked at all in a week. I'm not going back to that part and it helps me appreciate weed even more to remind myself that is what I really want to smoke.
But circumstances can make something seem appealing, necessary. When they change they can still be appealing but the "needful" thing can only be what you learned from someone, not the relationship of being with them.
We're lucky to find people we can all in love with, or even lean a little, or just brush you hair back over from a tiny breeze of love - when you feel really bad that tiniest breeze can feel like a whirlwind.
Anyway this stuff is best said in fairy tales. For now I will finish this spell, the Shirley Fairies, and let this lesson go - I think I got it. I'm not worried that nuclear war will break out, that the fairies are the only thing holding it back. I'm not afraid if holding it back has protected or postponed anything changing about the Trump presidency, it's chatever, I mean covfefe, I mean whatever. It's the face of the suffering America causes.
Smile, Love, write about these fairies, write a way out of this thicket. It's a subsidiary of the Sexxx Dreams spell - I wanted "another" relationship, someone to have sex dreams about, an affair, some kind of "other" - it fit my lifestyle or much of this time since my lover and I were effectively separated for much of this time.
I never had a dream, a sex dream, in all that time - I had one dream about the girl I like at work kissing our coworker, at work, overseen by me unbeknownst to them, that seemed really real. Maybe that will come up when I finally write the "Sexxx Dreams" spell I teased for years, now. But I don't have anything to say about it, now - I'd be happy for them if they could make the most of it. Its the same weirdness, exclusion, classism, etc, that gets in the way.
But I concluded that all my fantasy was a daydream version of the same thing - for what it was worth. I'll write about it when I finish that spell, hopefully soon because it is emotional feeling like you're the only one messing up a chance at love and relieving to realize it was more of a dream, when that's what it is. Dreams are nice, sometimes too nice!
Here are the final fairies from Shirley, hopefully this will release all of this misplaced love magic and bring out deeper, better relationships for us all. After this I still want to finish Sexxx Dreams but may have to write one for Gender and one for Government, first, since I promised - see how it goes.
Sister Batrille's campaign to win (?) over began with words from the Old Testament: "Let there be Light" - on the flying nun, just now. My first note is page 5690, "Lucifer", so i have to plug it up and turn it on and she is singing about chopsticks in a Chinese restaurant. "After some jabbing some searching and stabbing we finally skewer a piece of meat, (something) swallow leaves us feeling hollow..." and he gives them knives and forks.
All I want to say in summation of this spell is I want to release all these inferior and exclusive ideas of ourselves so we can be in love all the time, more and more, instead of all always holding ourselves back.
5690 - "Lucifer": The book was on the previous note, "a man or something lower", then looking or it found the previous "she has a look, at times, of a thing made out of fire and air, at which I stand and marvel" (page 5655) but the Man or Something Lower is on page 5677 - Linda is upset, she thinks Sister Batrille doesn't like her, "I just wanted to be just like you, and help people, and have them like me, like they like you - I thought they'd be pleased." She's showing her film of her surfing days, and when she was in the Gories - scenes from Gidget, her mechanic episode - this was on the other day, too, so I know the crossover media magic - "before I suddenly went clothes crazy and decided to become the world's most dazzling model." "I gave myself a chance to grow up first, to do many things, and be many things, and just enjoy being young."
I reread this whole speech where she rejects his "proposal" and it reminds me how we are reflected in each other in different ways, we switch around these roles, in different aspects of ourselves. He's something lower, wolfish by his own feeling (page 5668) and the Ghost of Judas, and Lucifer, by the end of it. The Ghost of Judas means more than she could possibly have meant, adding layers to how this all is - he calls himself that to say she would not believe his false confession of love to her any more than she would the ghost of Judas, page 5670.
The thing is, we do have the Ghost of Judas, now, telling us things we Can believe - and false confessions of Love don't become True Love but there IS "other love" and it's not False just because it isn't some exclusive model that fulfills a specific set of expectations.
And she mentions his Moloch, his mill, on page 5675 -but this is all leading up to - well, he is repeating this conversation as Linda is deciding whether or not to trust Sister Batrille, on my TV: Shirley is insisting she does not, can not, love him while Sister Batrille is insisting that she really does love Linda, she's not just trying to trick her or make her feel good out of pity - what Shirley feels he is doing. The Adam's grandma just said she voted before women got the vote, she didn't let that stop her, and Fester said "You're a true Addams" which is cool. The politician, ofr Sam L. Hillyard, is telling Addams that he will "Drain the Swamp."
"I hope the L stands for Lucifer" Addams says. "It Does, it does!" he enthusiastically replies. "I've changed horses in midstream, it's the Addams Way - the L stands for Lucifer." Morticia hates the platform - more streetlights, drain the swamps - our beautiful swamps!
Shirley doesn't mean Lucifer as an insult, in certain ways, she is referring to how he fell in her esteem. If I'd never fallen in love I might retain some respect, too - I don't regret it, it's the way it goes, I only REALLY want to fall for someone who can respect me for falling for them.
I missed page 5699 - "in he case, self-accusation was a chimera." - because she never did anything to lead him on. Also true, in my case.
I got into reading, this section that Shirley and Robert part as possible friends some time in the future - Addams said "section" as I typed that. But I got too into reading it, for context, and it is good and makes me want to read some more, when really I want to connect with the fairies and magical parts and go "Mr. Quimby I'm sure you're mistaken - electronic computers do not vote!" Morticia just said.
5724 - Yorke describes Mary Cave, his crush, as an Angel, "why she hadn't wings and a crown. She was a stately peacful angel" but she had no feelings for him, which I can relate to, except I guess I still hope when hope seems lost while Yorke gave up hope - and concluded i she Had loved him he probably would have left her, due to human nature. I'm not like that at all, I went the other way, I think our nature is truly to love and love more - as much as we can, and sometimes we just can't.
5740 - the moon is "looking at us wi' a scowl and a menace" is how he tries to avoid the question about love, what a way to go, to the moon, to try and escape love - when the moon is You!
5742 - "men are made of the queerest dregs that Chaos churned up in her ferment" The difference is, to him he's bitter about this (and assumes it means people will always turn out to do the worst things) and to me I'm happy about it and want to make the most of it but can't connect with others who feel the same very often.
5783 - "A deep recess with a window...and a fairy cabinet." A secret room where two people could speak and not be overheard. I don't know much what that would be like, not as much as I would like.
So I do feel somewhat bitter about things like that but I stay aware of it so it doesn't make me sour or upset, just bittersweet that things eventually turn out for the best even waking up from nice dreams.
And really nice when those dreams are just covers for bad times but you wake up to something better - the heiress on I Dream of Jeannie declared she wants Major Nelson and her dad approves, then the signal went out entirely.
5789 - when Sir Phillip tells Shirley something in this nook it effects her like a "charm which had changed her to a statue" and I forget what this information is but there's the spell of it.
5874 - "a couple of human falcons" and 5875 - "gruff as a hungry raven" and I forget who these are, too
"a house is like a living thing, over time it develops vibrations...I want you to go to the living room and talk to the walls, tell them Tony is in trouble, needs you, is very fond of you, but you're hurting him, if you realized you wouldn't be doing it" - more I dream of Jeannie.
5896 - "your gods are not my gods" she tells her uncle. She says they don't even really speak the same language - this hurts me to realize in another way, it's true of some of my relationships which turn out to really be more associations. It's just sad we can't overcome barriers like this - Major Healy was talking to the walls. "This wall is a particular friend of his."
5898 - "you annoy me with small meddling, with petty tyranny" - I wonder if this is where Carlos Casteneda got this term. It has a magical influence, too, when you have a crush on your manager and she's really cool, easy to work for, super nice to everyone and nice to you all the time even if she doesn't "like" you, but you like just working for her anyway because she makes it pleasant, and you feel bad you can't do more for her when she is stressed by the job, is all. Pretty Inspirant is more like it, but that's what a petty tyrant is, too, really, if you can see the beauty in it, even when it's not pleasurably obvious.
5899 - "offer them a sacrifice to the deity you worship" because she wants nothing to do with them. this reminds I have that song spell to make, too, that I've had in mind for months, all this time, and I want to complete all of this and move on to something better - the Sarah MacLaughlin song, "Possession" which I suppose is the possession of Loneliness, the call out to Someone, or just to echo in Silence.
5902 - "your god, your great Bel, your fish-tailed Dagon, rises before me as a demon." I see someone telling Trump this same speech, in different words - but what words would someone use to cut me down in this way?
5904 - "He stretches out the arm of Mezentius and fetters the dead to the living" -this is a bloodthirsty Etruscan king who was known as a "despiser of the gods" and all of this reminds me of that recent revelation that Fairy tales don't have Gods in them, but Fairies -they are Love Stories where many myths, full of Gods, and history, and War Stories. Whatever she says about his god being the Hymen of France and "analyze the blue blood of Spain!" on page 5907 would require further research and reveal some weird nationalism or Christian schism stuff or something racist, I guess.
5947 - "Chapter 32: The Schoolboy and the Wood Nymph" I know what that's like.
5987 - "In other respects she was no woman, but a dragon." My lover and I are both dragons and I suspect you can be both. But I suppose she didn't mean it as a compliment.
5993 - "giantess" the lady nursing him.
6006 - "Does he feel the chaste charm Nature wears tonight? A pearl-white moon smiles through the green trees; does he care for her smile?"
Samantha is mad about the Witches world versus Normal world battles and says she tries to be fair but sometimes being fair means being nothing. There really is no other side to be on other than the side of Nature but we estrange ourselves -Endora is telling her brother she feels like an only child and he says he thinks of her like an only everything - they agree to only see each other when invisible and divide the world in half, she took the top.
6012 - "a contraband volume of fairy tales" - because rules.
6014-15 - "bells tinkle on the wind..." and from the mist "dawns on him the brightest vision - a green-robed lady, on a snow-white palfrey; he sees her dress, her gems, and her steed; she arrests him with some mysterious question; he is spellbound, and must follow her into Fairyland." Om Mani Padme Hum is like "Being Jewel Lotus Heart" - I was reminded by the Ram Dass book I read last week - and it is like the mist and green dress are being, the jewels are jewels, the lotus is the horse and the lady and her look are the Heart.
6021 - "foam-women - a band of white, evanescent Nereides." I guess I will have transluscent memories and glowing ghosts in my memory, regardless.
And the book is closed when he hears the teacher approaches, but no, it's someone else....
6022 - she appears like an apparition...the dark veiled lady...
6025 - "all women are proud monkeys"
6051 - he's reminded by her voice of a blackbird's lament for one of her kids he killed.
6143 - "the whole house and all it's inhabitants are under a spell, which I will not break until you are gone." This makes me think how scalable this "whole house" magic is, that it effects all inside - all inside a person, inside a house, inside a nation, however you look at it, and things are held in suspense to make escapes or secret missions.
And things are maybe never as dire as they seem, but the warnings are there to help us get better.
6151 - "Martin you are an evil cross between imp and page." "What do you call a western union marijuana gram? High Wire" - Karnak.
6206 - "he spent in the woods with his book of fairy legends, an that other unwritten book of his imagination." She says a few pages earlier, 6202, that her "face was now perpetually before his eyes, by day and by night" and it is this hopeless schoolboy infatuation i've always been really good at and recognize, at this time, this is "where I am" in this story -I have a book o fairy tales, I'm in the wood when I write them, delusional with fantasy but aware it's not really for this world, in some ways, for some folks, sometimes, and can only be put into stories.
6289 - "sudden broom of Fate - that fell housewife whose red arm none can control" well sure if you think that way about her. - Or if you're a schemer, I suppose, like Martin, here. "Upstairs was a woman named Mrs. Spear who worked in the daytime...would ring our doorbell every night 'Oh Mrs. Tomlin I'm so sorry to ring your bell but I forgot my key...oh it smells good' ...she'd end up eating with us 2-3 times a week" (dad resentful, she repeated what he had said to her, at age 5) - Lily Tomlin on Johnny Carson.
6370 - they talk about seeing her "heart's core" and I just see paradise, that jewel lotus heart - I mean I can't say anything about this, now, it makes me so happy in some ways and sad in others.
6393 - "grim phantom I am" he says after saying "Don't look as if you would leave me" That look is one to make you hollow and sad.
6406 - "he is just about as much a Cupidon as you are a Cyclops" and this probably means something, and something more - I don't have the passion to find out, "grim" as I am in my current mood -and I'm realizing I have one more side of the note care and don't want to write all of this, now, and will continue with a sixth Shirley Fairies, soon, and hopefully things will end with a little better twist in this whole fairy forest chapter of my life.
6428 - "I have no love to give. Were the goddess of beauty to woo me, I could not meet her advances." It really only feels that way when it feels lost - I know, in between lost and found, it feels like that, but only on one side, the outside.
6458 - "it is the utterance, seen, not heard, through which angels must have communed when there was 'silence in heaven'" and this might be where I get these ideas that people secretly like me, or each other, or could if they just looked in each other's eyes.
6490 - the end of this side of the card, the last one I will do, or now, to sum up this last era of time, for me, since I wrote this, since I feel these ways This Time but I suppose times always change and some of those we change with and some of those change for us, if we want.
"Have you been with me in spirit when I did not see you? Have you entered into my day-dreams..."
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