gagablog 49: "Applause"!!!!!

"Applause" came out, a week early since it had been leaked. I'm really happy that it came out early, but a little sad it did not go just as Gaga had planned it - I saw her holding up 9 fingers for 9 days away and I certainly would have enjoyed 8 more of those, for instance, and all the fervor it would generate around the world and net with others doing their own versions. I read someone's article complaining that the early release announcement took over twitter including the "911" part, but of course everything Gaga does is going to take over. And who complains about taking over twitter? Like it was space they think could have been used for something "better" or something? I kind of can't believe it did not make more news that Gaga made that video art in the nude - I heard on the radio the next morning about a photo that leaked / was released of a naked Justin Beiber and just expected the host to mention Gaga but he didn't - I read it on the internet and that was all the news it made - and I know some would say none of this entertainment stuff is "news" but then again if some of it is then Gaga's new video certainly is - though, again, like everything she does, it is not "just news", it is Art. That is one of the main points of the Gagablog, to point out the magical aspects of Gaga and how what she does has magical connections with what is going on in the world. And this is because Gaga is Art, and because she is Love, that what she does has such meaning: if there are two things we could do to transform the world comletely for the better it would be really appreciating and encouraging Art and Love. And the other things, ending war, poverty, misogyny, bigotry, and disease, well, they all go along with that program. It can all be summed up as "magic" too - art and love and all good transformation - but for some people who don't usually think in terms of magic we can just understand it all best as Art. And that is what Artpop will do, give us a whole new framework based fully on Art, to replace this existing "social" framework we have that was based on a lot of denying art and was instead based on status and things. I realized today, a couple of days later, what "Applause" really means. Like all Gaga songs there is a mystical aspect of it: becoming the art, art becoming pop and then both being fullfilled in Gaga - these are very explicitly stated and not too hard to understand though the significance is both deep and applies to a wide range of things - this doesn't only happen with a Koons, for example. But I realised something else about "Applause" and that is why I am writing this now: I will be suspending/transforming the Gaga blog to write my more extensive book on Gaga/Oz magic, and love, chaos, sex, technology and art. I have been avoiding saying many of the things that are on my mind because I am going to put them in the book, but there is no way to really leave them out because they are the themes that are the foundation of my thinking. In this case I discovered something about "Applause" and I discovered something about myself and I have to share it, though maybe after the next entry, gagablog 50, I will close this format for a while and write the book. I have been working at an orphanage, basically, for almost 7 years and it is a good job, with a weird schedule. I plan to do this indefinitely, until I make it as a writer, artist, or musician and can comfortably live off of creative work. I have also been planning to live off of my wife's creative work and felt that I was working a "regular" job to support her, and once she achieved great success she could support me and I would be able to focus more on my own writing. And I have felt good about this plan all along, that this was the right way to do it, keep working hard, relax about doing my own work even though it stresses me out to have it undone, still dreaming about success instead of achieving it. And in the meantime, I'm supporting my wife as she does creative work, something I always wish someone would do for me. About a month or two ago, before my mom went to go to Europe and to get married, we got into an argument while eating out at breakfast in which I said I did not feel like she or my dad supported me to become an artist or writer and how I really felt hurt by that. But I was upset and coming off as a jerk, I guess. My sister, who was there and upset at me for upsetting out mom, said whenever she felt unsupported she just assumed it was because she did not deserve support. I responded that I always thought I deserved support and recognition and just assumed everyone was stupid or had poor taste. The truth is people are often supportive of what I do, I just don't do things very often, certainly not as much as I want to or could. But I use my "work", and resentment at having to work, as an excuse to not do my REAL work - which I don't even really call work it comes so naturally to me. I saw the claymation movie about Mark Twain in which he says, and I guess it is an actual quote, "I started writing and since then I haven't worked a day in my life" - that's what I look forward to. And in a way I have just been dealing with complexes and insecurity based on not feeling supported growing up. My wife is very supportive of people to get them to do creative things, and she encourages me, too, but I guess I have an even stronger need for encouragement, or a greater hurt based on missing it whether I really "need" it or not, so that I feel like she is always encouraging other people and not encouraging me enough. And while I do feel like I would do more if she was more actively encouraging me, I also know that my main excuse is having to work / being tired from work. Even though I can write at work, I'm doing it right now, I just don't usually feel in the mood becuase of the weird environment here. But I am getting better about that, and about everything, and I think "Applause" is going to be my big turning point - because the timing is not always like we expect it. So I realized when my wife got a new contract, more lucrative than before, that I should have spent more time telling her how awesome that was, Applauding her. I realized the next day that I missed some opportunities to celebrate her achievement, ironically on the same day(s) that I said I was going to be celebrating "Applause" coming out. When I realized that I thought about how important it is to me, if I am working on something or finished some art or a story or a song, that someone recognizes it and applauds me for it. It happens some on Youtube when people leave nice comments on my songs: these comments can not only really "make my day" they can leave lasting encouragement that always makes me feel good whenever I think of them, even years later. "Applause" refers to that rare and wonderful phenomenon that is really one of the peak experiences of life - a work of creation is completed and experienced and the positive feedback, the applause, is what shows it is complete but mostly what makes the artist make more - anticipating the future applause. But in this context it ties in another Gaga theme and brings them together in a way that, for me, transforms how I will live my life from now on: Gaga got to that point where she was the ONLY one she felt believed in her. She says in different ways that no matter who else believes in you, or if no one else does, the most important thing is that you believe in yourself. I want to take this even further and say even if other people do believe in you, there is something so personal to you that you are the only one who can believe in yourself to make it come true, and you have to be the one to discover this and believe in it. In my case, I just felt resentful that people who I wished believed in me did not seem to, or that my wife who did believe in me and believed in others, too, did not believe in me way more than other people, even including herself. I never wanted her to put her projects on hold to help me or give me more time to write, but then again I guess I secretly hoped that she would say, one day, "even though I already have a writing career, my audience is not big enough to make a lot of money right now, but your audience for a kids book could be enough to make us rich if you reach it, so I will put some things on hold until you finish getting your book out - once we are rich from that we will both have more time to write." Again, not that I think my writing is better than hers, but since I write for kids and could have a larger audience I think it would be refreshing if she really focused on getting me to focus on it. And I realize that is wrong, that I need to be the main one making me focus on my art, but also that it was wrong this whole time to be satisfied with "just working until she makes it big" then relying on her believing in me and supporting me to actually do my work. I have to do my work now, for me, to realize that part of me that only I can develop, and to give that to the world. In talking about this today my wife had great advice that I have to keep mindful of the benefirt my work can bring to people, that people will like it and that I have to do it for them. I told her I am very certain of that, if anything I have too much certainty of that and it makes me feel guilty for not doing my work sooner, so I try to block it out. But I should be using it to motivate me, as I am doing now, writing this, and finishing this cycle so I am ready to really write the Gaga/Oz/Magic book instead of these months of constantly composing it in my head. But what I have been missing is believing in myself, really fully believeing in myself. For a day after my argument with my mom and sister, I told myself that I was being delusional wanting to be an artist, considering my sister's comment as advice that I should not think so highly of myself, I should not expect others to respond well and encourage me to make more art - I'm not that good. But thankfully I got the opposite message from other little monsters online, who were both encouragine to me in chat and had posted, mystically/"coincidentally", inspirational quotes about going for it even if no one believes in you. I loved it, it saved me in a way, to have people I don't know believe in me when the people I do know did not seem to, but I still needed to learn the lesson of really believing in myself and not relying on anyone else's encouragement. While I have been missing the Applause, too, the song "Applause" made me realize more fully how it all works and that I have to be the main one cheering me on - even if I know others will like my Art, it can't be to please them that I make it - even if I knew Gaga herself would see my art, if I was thinking too much about that I might be paralyzed with expectation, but if I just focus on how much I love her, how much it inspires me, how much I love Art itself and the Art I am making - if I believe in myself as an artist then I will truly become the artist I am meant to be. I can be the great art that transforms other people into Art, just as Gaga has done. I can truly live up to her vision and do the most to promote Art and Love in the world by being those things, fully - by believing in myself and my power to become those things. And it is for the Applause, that is what calls me forward, because I can sense it, prophetically. But I can't wait for it, or even for anyone to be my biggest fan in secret before I do anything - I have to do it all with myself and my own pure atistry being the main motivation - to do it all for Art. Yes, to do it for Gaga, too, but not so she can tweet about it and make me a millionaire, not that kind of Applause, though that is fine, too. But so she can become my art when she sees it or reads it or hears it - I want her to be me just like she wants me to be her, we want to join in Art. The point of living for the Applause - and Gaga has plenty of it and is speaking from the perspective of having achieved Fame and knowing that huge crowds can't wait to applaud you - but the point is that you are living for it even before you ever hear it yourself - and you aren't living for the by-products of it, but for that actual connection with people. What you are living for as an artist is the connection to other people through Art. I'm sure an architect is satisfied with the money she makes and the fact that her building serves a useful purpose, but the artist in her is most satisfied when someone admires her building - the artist lives for someone loving it as Art. That is what it is all about, the admiration kind of love that grows with Art. I want to be thought of as attractive and funny and smart and kind, but I mostly want to be admired through my art, for my best ideas to live in my art and songs and be admired through them, to become people, for people to become them, through admiring them. So it is only by becoming who I really am, as an artist, that I can make art that really transforms people. And I can only do this, be true to the greatest artist I can be, if I fully believe in myself and go for it. That does not mean quitting my job and writing full-time - for one thing, no one else wants to watch these kids at night, no one keeps the position on the other half the week for more than 6 months and I would like to leave them with someone who is going to do it for years before I go - but it does mean not using the excuse of being tired or at work to not make art. I'm such an artist, and believe in myself so much, that I can't stop making art. Even typing that out makes me realize it is so obvious, the only one holding me back has been me - becaue of course I always have ideas for stories, songs, and art but I don't write them down or do things with them because of "circumstances" - well, now that I am fully believing in myself I just need to change those circumstances and be ready to write things down, etc, as they come up. The magical event that made this all click into place tonight was as follows: I have been listening to the two major pop stations here in Denver to hear which one was the first to play "Applause". Neither of them did because it is Denver and they are lame, but I realized how offended I was to hear other new songs that weren't it, or to hear other old songs that are even a few days older now than they were already old before Applause came out, like Kanye West's/Katy Perry's "Alien". But then I heard it... shortly after I had arrived at work I heard it behind me in the cottage and turned around - was it on one of the kid's radios? No, it was coming from....the TV? Yes! - it was on ESPN's "Sports Center" and it was amazing. I rushed over to the TV and it brought chills to my skin and a thrill up my spine: it was a segment called "Summer of Dodgers" and they were showing highlight plays and fans cheering, all synched up powerfully to the chorus of "Applause" and the verses "Make it real now" - it was just AWESOME. It fit perfectly - it is the perfect song for this kind of montage and I can already see it coupling well with any sports hightlight reel (genius again, btw, Gaga) and this was really one of the best ways to hear a first broadcast of this song. Yeah, the radio station that plays it first will still get credit for being slightly cooler, but both are cemented as pretty lame for not playing it, and playing it a lot, so far. Of course ESPN is big enough to be aware of national trends instead of waiting for them to get popular out here in Denver so they know it will be "approved" if they play it, but I still have to applaud the people at ESPN for being visionary enough to expect Gaga's new song to be a powerful hit, then going ahead and using it to make artistic video of "powerful hits" - and using it perfectly - you just have to see it to see how well it fits, but like i said, it will fit with many such clips and expect to see it. It's like, way better and way more suitable, in style and content, for sports than say, Faith Hill's "Monday Night Football" song, just saying. And I was trying to think of another song that became synonymous with sports and the one that popped into mind was "We Will Rock You" - though I'm sure there are other good ones - but for the perfect song for hightlight montages, I think Gaga just took first place. So this is all to say that recognition, in this case playing Gaga's new song, does not always come from the source you expect, in the way you expect - the song was released early, the radio has not cuaght on yet, here anyway, but ESPN is on top of it, with great results. The ones who don't recognize / applaud something good are revealing that they don't really have the best taste, and those who do are showing how good their taste is and how in tune they are with the future - because starting a trend has very long-lasting effects, something we do now that becomes a standard and is done over and over again - but was done first, once, by someone breaking new ground. Like I said, it is not too hard to predict Gaga's new song to be a big hit - that is a safe bet - but expecting that, then listening to it and saying "this will be PERFECT for a baseball highlight/fan montage!" and them making it, a couple of days after the song came out.... that shows good taste and a sense for where the future is going. I wonder if the person who mae the montage had the same feeling I had hearing it: "this is the first of many times this will happen." Well, it is a really good song and you don't have to be Told that it will be a big hit -you don't need others applause to make you feel okay applauding something - if you have any taste. They do kind of need that here, in Denver, because cultrually / geographically we are isolated from the centers of culture in the country, LA, NY, ATL, etc. But if someone had enough good taste on their own they would already be playing "Applause" here - they will start, and play it alot, once it becomes a huge hit around the country. But they would really do better, and show some good taste, to play it even before it was "proven" to be good. And this is how I will go about motivating myself to write, make art and music: I've always wanted to self-publish and make it as grassroots as I can, not relying on any promotion or industry other than people enjoying it and their word of mouth/social media/internet. I wanted to write and be under thae radar so the people who did discover me first could feel especially cool and in on something special. But now I am realizing that it is not only especially for those people who are cool enough to like it even before anyone else does, but I have to be even cooler than that to make it even before anyone else even knows it exists - this is the role of the artist - to hear the applause of the future and make the art that makes it real. Recognition/Applause is waiting for us at the end/beginning of all artistic expression, but like the art itself we can't be sure what form it will take - we have to go for it and make it come true. And we have to know it is "in us" before it ever happens, we have to be the main one cheering to get the art out there, for it to be the best it can be. And when you really believe in yourself in a way that ONLY you can, you will be doing that special thing for the world that makes it change just how you were meant to, and having such a great impact will bring the most Applause. I hope people hear Applause in a way that makes them realize all that Gaga and Art is and all it does for them, to make them do something, too - "make it real now!" I know not everyone will understand it magically but for those who want to I will be writing a book. But that's just one thing that "only I can do" along with my art and songwriting/singing. And while in all areas I have been waiting for support and encouragement, now that I realize it has all been a sad game I have played on myself in order to force myself to become my own true support, I know that as I start really doing it I will get even stronger in my talents than just having them as gifts and dreaming about them all the time. And I think I will get better at dreaming as more of my dreams come true, but again, it can only happen with me fully believeing in them, and that means not waiting for anyone else to believe in them but living and creating, even without that applause around me now, knowing that it comes from really believing in the art even without anyone else and really going for it, like Gaga did and keeps doing. Even with all the success she has, she still lives to connect with more people, because that is the nature of Art - its not satisfied but can always make more. That is the deepest desire of the artist, to make art to connect with people, more and more, whether we are alone of idol of millions, there are always more connections and more art to make. We become what we aspire to, what we dream, what we create, and in Art things come to life when we clap for them - "Make it Real Now!!!"